Let’s chat about that one topic that no one really wants to talk about — miscarriage. It is actually WAY more common than you think it is & you probably know someone who has experienced it, even if they haven’t shared about it. There are many resources that say that 1 in 4 women have experienced a miscarriage.
ONE IN FOUR, friends. That’s an insane number to me. I was one of those women who didn’t really think much about miscarriage until it was happening to me. I cannot even express the heartbreak that comes from this, but if you want to stick around and read about it a little, I’m going to be super raw and share my story.
This post is going to come out two days before the due date of our first baby. TWO DAYS from now (give or take), I should’ve been a mom. Typing this with tears streaming down my face because it truly doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t seem fair that a baby gets to be taken away from me just like that. Well, let’s look back on the journey & peek into miscarriage unfiltered.
August 24th — taking a pregnancy test because I am WAY late but have been putting it off because I was 5 weeks out from surgery on my elbow again and I was shook at what surgery on my elbow would look like with a little human growing in me. I know it happens all the time, but it had me worried. We were trying (but had taken a brief pause once surgery was scheduled), but those two pink lines came up anyways. I didn’t know what to think — I was SO excited to be a mom, but scared for the surgery part.
I remember laughing when Josh told me that he wanted to tell everyone at Christmas. I would be what, 4 months along at that point? How could I hide it from family & friends THAT long? Remember, I live in Florida and pretty much only wear tanks & a swim suit. But we would figure out those little details later. I found a doctor that came highly recommended from Google (side note — its really hard to find a doctor when you can’t ask for recommendations from family/friends because you haven’t told anyone yet) & set up my first appointment. I had to call a few offices to find one that would allow Josh to come with me because I couldn’t imagine hearing the heartbeat for the first time without him.
Life was SO good for those following days. I ordered the books & downloaded the apps. I added more veggies to my diet & ditched deli meat & alcohol. I dreamed of what it would be like to have our sweet child with us for all of those holidays in the coming year. I had friends announcing their pregnancies & I was so excited to carry babies alongside them.
Then one morning (about 8 weeks along), I woke up cramping. Period like cramps. When I went to the bathroom later that morning, blood in my underwear. I was freaking out a little bit & tried to explain to Josh what was happening, but obviously this was very new to both of us and we didn’t really know what to do. Through my BFF at the time, Google, I confirmed what was my worst fear — I was experiencing a miscarriage.
SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU WILL BE TRIGGERED OR DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE REAL DEAL! Through my reading, I found that you can actually view the “clump” or “clot” of blood that was your baby forming. This is when you know that you miscarried and have passed the baby. Imagine the emotional disaster that it is just waiting to pass that over the coming days. Thankfully (if I can even use that word), I passed our sweet babe later that night. As I did, I just sat on the bathroom floor and weeped. NO MATTER HOW FAR ALONG YOUR BABY WAS, YOU WERE A MOM FROM THE SECOND YOU SAW THAT POSITIVE MARK. DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT.
The following days were emotional to say the least. There were so many things that triggered me — friends with similar due dates posting their announcements, real life friends talking about their babies/pregnancy, all the IG accounts I’d followed to learn more and purchase things from, all the milestones we had chatted about. Let me tell you that there is no correct way to grieve a miscarriage. Like I shared, we hadn’t told a single person we were pregnant, so to now share with friends & family that we had miscarried was equally heartbreaking. There isn’t a good or bad way to bring this up & I don’t really have any advice here. Basically as family or friends mentioned us being pregnant or when we were going to have a baby, I shared the news with them. Let this serve as a reminder, don’t ask that question. Don’t ask when people are having kids. This question has broken my heart more times than I care to admit & for what? To cause conversations to happen in relationships that they don’t want to have yet? To pressure the couple into thinking they SHOULD try for kids even if they don’t WANT TO yet? Or they’re us. Who are trying every which way & still not successful. That hurts too.
There are still really tough days. The past few days have been rough with the due date approaching. I still have IG accounts muted or I’ve unfollowed. I stepped away from some baby showers or birthday parties because I couldn’t handle them emotionally (or I went for as long as I could handle it). I’ve said no to coffee dates with newly pregnant moms because I knew I couldn’t make it through without tears. I never considered it jealousy, but truly mourning the loss of what I should have had in that moment. This is just a season. I know my time is coming. Those relationships have come around and I’ve healed some along the way, too.
There are some resources I wanted to share with you incase you find this post as you are experiencing this & need a boost. These are mostly scripturally based because I don’t know how I would have gotten through this without knowing that God’s plan is perfect (even if it was tough to believe at the time).
Song: Hallelujah Even Here by Lydia Laird
Books: It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lisa Terkeurst & Loved Baby devotional by Sarah Philpott
Quote: When it is not in God’s time, you cannot force it. When it is in God’s time, you cannot stop it.
Always here to answer questions, lift you up or cheer you on,
Hil
hrmarciano 